I sometimes forget how uncomfortable my more troubling experiences can make some people feel. When I posted my vlog yesterday on my suicide attempt, I didn’t think much of it. It was, for me, just an honest and open account of something that happened 8 years ago. Something that I’m not ashamed of, nor scared to talk about. I relay these things to help people realise they’re not alone, but I also want to break the taboo when it comes to mental health.
But some people are too comfortable with the taboo, and I often forget that.
This morning I spoke to my lovely older sister on Skype (she lives in Germany). She told me that her initial reaction to my blog was that I was writing about stuff that was too personal. That I should stick to more fun and story like posts such as the one on my distaste for house-work. She went on however to say that as my blog continued, she began to understand what I was trying to do. Why should we hide the darker side of ourselves when most of us at some point have struggled with negative emotions? The only way for us to take back the power and to dispel the darkness, is it to expose it, talk about it, be honest about it.
It is only through being open about these these negative emotions that they start to lose their power over us.
As soon as I posted the vlog, I started to feel anxious and distressed. I didn’t regret posting it, but I did find myself obsessively watching the stats, looking for the reaction it would get. It dawned on me that maybe this was a bit too much too soon for my followers, no matter how easy and natural it feels for me to talk about.
I won’t remove it. I’d be a hypocrite if I did. I have lost a fan on Facebook, in the grand scheme of things maybe that isn’t too bad but I woke up with that haziness in my head that blurs the truth and hides away my clarity. Right now it feels like rejection.
I know the truth. I know that what I’m sharing is important, but doubt and fear are my enemies today. I guess the right way isn’t always the easy one.