Anxiety Spike

I sometimes forget how uncomfortable my more troubling experiences can make some people feel. When I posted my vlog yesterday on my suicide attempt, I didn’t think much of it. It was, for me, just an honest and open account of something that happened 8 years ago. Something that I’m not ashamed of, nor scared to talk about. I relay these things to help people realise they’re not alone, but I also want to break the taboo when it comes to mental health.

But some people are too comfortable with the taboo, and I often forget that.

This morning I spoke to my lovely older sister on Skype (she lives in Germany). She told me that her initial reaction to my blog was that I was writing about stuff that was too personal. That I should stick to more fun and story like posts such as the one on my distaste for house-work. She went on however to say that as my blog continued, she began to understand what I was trying to do. Why should we hide the darker side of ourselves when most of us at some point have struggled with negative emotions? The only way for us to take back the power and to dispel the darkness, is it to expose it, talk about it, be honest about it.

It is only through being open about these these negative emotions that they start to lose their power over us.

As soon as I posted the vlog, I started to feel anxious and distressed. I didn’t regret posting it, but I did find myself obsessively watching the stats, looking for the reaction it would get. It dawned on me that maybe this was a bit too much too soon for my followers, no matter how easy and natural it feels for me to talk about.

I won’t remove it. I’d be a hypocrite if I did. I have lost a fan on Facebook, in the grand scheme of things maybe that isn’t too bad but I woke up with that haziness in my head that blurs the truth and hides away my clarity. Right now it feels like rejection.

I know the truth. I know that what I’m sharing is important, but doubt and fear are my enemies today. I guess the right way isn’t always the easy one. 

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10 thoughts on “Anxiety Spike

  1. If the right way were always the easy one, we would all be living in Paradise and we would never be hurt, would not know what pain is – in other words we would not have evolved from the animal world to human beings who cannot simply accept the world as it is. We would not ask questions and reason, our lives would be simple acceptance, starting with birth, growing up (if we survived) following the age-old instinct that kept our species alive, we would grow old and eventually die, having taught our children and grandchildren how to survive and in their turn produce children, starting the entire cycle all over again. That would be the sole purpose of our life and it would be our single goal in life, the procreation to keep our species going, we would live to multiply, bring up our young without asking ourselves why and we would be happy – as far as we could be happy in the way human beings define the word happiness.

    But the tiny mutation that split us from apes, the missing link we still have not found gave us a brain that asks WHY? – and everything changed. And you have the courage and the necessary acumen to open your soul to us and as this WHY openly and without being afraid to get answers, some of which will hurt you, as your questions hurt those who were pierced through the heart by what you asked, and some of which will open doors that have been closed for as long as you can remember and which will open completely new visions. Whether you will want to follow in those footsteps is something you may no yet know, some will scare you and turn you back, others will bring revelations that will answer fundamental questions you have always been desperately looking for. This is not an easy journey and I believe that most people turn back at some stage because they will feel vulnerable at times and convinced that they cannot go on, despite the many words of encouragement and support they will be offered just as you have been. However, God gave you signs of which way to turn to and your faith and your empathy with the world you live in are leading you in the right direction for you. And maybe., you are also showing other people the correct way for them to find the direction where happiness and fulfillment lie for them. As long as you listen to what is makes complete sense to you, as long as you don’t start deviating from what in your heart you know is the right way, you will get to where you were meant to go – and to where maybe you were meant to show other people their way too. We don’t know! We can only speculate but as long as we have goals, as long as we believe that we are meant to travel along the way we are shown a bit every day, I think we can put our trust in whoever or whatever is guiding us and step in their footsteps. Just be careful and don’t stop following the path because another one looks easier and the better way to go.

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  2. In my opinion you should not have any regrets. Being honest is important, as you taught me with therapy, regardless of the platform . That post will likely save someone at some point. Don’t worry about the face book follower. Keep being you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂 Thank you Matt. Luckily I wouldn’t know how to be anything else haha. A blessing and a curse! I’m ok again today, just a momentary lapse in confidence. I’m incredibly lucky to have followers like you that keep me feeling so positive 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are brave! I applaud you for shining the light on mental issues. I am doing the same thing in my book. Exposing everything can be intimidating but you better believe that you helped somebody! Thanks for sharing! GOD bless you Dani!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kind comment Rachel! It means more than I can say and helps me remember that it’s all worthwhile. I look forward to hearing more about your book! God bless you as well! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  4. There is no point in regretting your actions. I believe that you did a good thing. If people cannot accept all your burdens and would rather you bury them than share them maybe they just aren’t worth worrying about..

    Liked by 1 person

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