Holiday Blues

Why is it that you feel the need for a holiday, to get over a holiday?

I am the very definition of a binger. I am not someone who does ‘everything in moderation’. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal – for example, I can’t diet. I either eat completely clean or I eat everything sweet and fatty I can get my hands on, even if I don’t particularly like the taste of it!

This is what I do on holiday. I do everything in excess because I know when I get home, with having a wedding to prepare and pay for and me having no income, there will be no little luxuries. So the past 5 days in Bristol have been spent eating and drinking to the point I feel the inside of my body’s health declining! You know that feeling of being dirty? You look at your body and rationally you know it can’t have changed that much in 5 days but somehow you look fatter and uglier than ever before?

I don’t suffer from bulimia anymore, but that feeling of being dirty was something I remember well. Throwing up was all I could do to stop me feeling like that. I don’t hate my body or myself to that extent anymore but I can’t look at myself in the mirror at the moment and will be adhering to strict detox until I can face myself again!

I guess it is important not to get hung up on those things too much. I spent the 5 days laughing uncontrollably and reminiscing about old times. Letting go for a few snippets of time where I wasn’t harassed by intrusive thoughts of failure and uncertainty was well and truly a break from reality and I relished it, bloated belly and all!

I’m home now, and holiday blues have set in. The mountain of work has piled up, there’s housework to do and my holiday from the anxiety is over too. But that’s ok. You need the rain to experience the rainbow. If all my days were beautiful and fulfilling, I wouldn’t appreciate them as much.

I suppose the trick when experiencing days where joy isn’t so ‘in your face’ is to look deeper for your blessings in the every day. My health, my fiancé, my opportunities. As hard as it is, there is always something you are blessed with and can appreciate. What are you grateful for today?

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Do You Ever Feel Ashamed Of Your Emotions?

I find this time of year really hard. Every January I tell myself I’ll not succumb to it, but somehow I always do. They call it S.A.D. – how apt! A lack of sunlight apparently. Days on end I just get this sudden overwhelming feeling of depression and a want to hide away and hibernate. I want to stay in my PJs, eat crap food and let the TV do its job of distracting me from the way I am feeling. Simple tasks feel like pressure I can’t seem to handle, like washing up or getting the food shop.

I haven’t been out of the house in 3 days. I guess that’s part of the problem, but I can’t face it. I’ve got as far as putting on my coat and shoes, and opening the door. Then the cold hits me like a slap in the face and a retreat like a wounded animal back into the comforting arms of the warm house.

I know this will pass because it always does, but the shame of feeling like this remains and only pushes me further into isolation.

Every year when spring comes I get this sudden pang of realisation that I’m not a miserable c** after all! I’m actually a normal, happy and positive person who can achieve anything she wants when she puts her mind to it! Not only that but this year will be one of the most wonderful of my life with me becoming Mrs Jackson in July and embarking on a 3 month travel excursion around the World. I suppose that’s what make this feeling even more shameful. By anyone’s standards I am a very lucky person with an incredibly exciting and fulfilling future. I know that. I’m not blind to my good fortune.

But that’s the worst thing about it – there is absolutely no reason for me to be feeling this way, and that can lead to feeling unworthy of all the good that’s in my life.

Trying to ‘pull yourself together’ at times like this, and for anyone who knows how it feels, is completely pointless. In fact it puts more pressure on you. Sometimes you have to remember that it’s ok to not feel amazing 100% of the time. Accepting our emotions rather than fighting them is, I believe, key in overcoming emotional struggles. Feeling oversensitive? So what! Unhappy at the moment, let yourself wallow for a few days until you naturally recover. Don’t apologise for not being perfect.

When you over exercise or are recovering from a cold, it is acceptable to take some time to heal. Why is it different with emotional or mental stumbles?

Bearing in mind I’m not speaking about mental illness that requires medication. That’s a different kettle of fish entirely and one I luckily don’t have to deal with anymore.

Hopefully this hasn’t come across as another downer (ah there I go again worried about what others think of me. Darn it). I guess sometimes my posts will come across as a bit negative. But if they weren’t, then I wouldn’t be portraying a real person, one that hasn’t figured it all out yet either.

Happy Monday all 🙂