Self-Harm And Destructive Thought Patterns

I have a terrible habit of feeling overwhelmed.

I would go as far as saying I struggle with these feelings on a daily basis, although very mildly in comparison to the effect it used to have on me. When I look at experts within my field, those I look up to, I can’t help that inner panic rise like bile, as I wonder ‘How on Earth can I achieve even a fraction of what they have? It’s too hard! I’m not good enough!’ I deal with these intrusive thoughts through many different ways including meditation and my writing. I can also hand on heart say that if it wasn’t for the encouragement from those around me, if it wasn’t for the sheer blind belief and faith that people have in me, I may well not be here telling my story.

Relationships And Love – Cheating And Betrayal: Part 2

I wrote yesterday about how my relationship with an ex taught me how different types of betrayal can have lasting and damaging effects. I used to think cheating was black and white. It isn’t. I learned that it is not just the act of cheating, but the intent behind it, and also how it is handled afterwards that can go on hurting us long after any thoughts of love for a person have evaporated. Here’s the second part of my story, showing how the betrayal ran so much deeper than the physical act of sleeping with another woman. 

After about a year together, Stuart* and I had been arguing worst than normal. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on what was wrong, but something was different. He seemed disconnected. It was enough to urge me to investigate and late one night (after yet another argument), my heart wrenching at the disloyalty of what I was doing, I opened his laptop and started to read his MSN conversation history. After reading a couple, I started to feel like more and more uncomfortable with betraying his trust in this way. There was nothing there! A few nasty messages about me to his friends about me not giving him enough sex, but I was used to that and there was nothing as dramatic as I had feared.

And then, there it was. The conversation I had unknowingly, but instinctively been looking for.

2 Days Before My 22nd – The Day After I Found Out

Relationships And Love – Cheating And Betrayal: Part 1

There are many types of betrayal. Ones worse than being cheated on. I know this because having been cheated on, it was in the way it was done and the events leading up to it, that truly haunt me to this day.

In my 3 Minute Memoir yesterday regarding my fiancés stag do, you saw how some old and very difficult emotions resurfaced over the weekend. It reminded me of a dark time with an ex. Even though this particular relationship only lasted a year, it left a wound so deep it is sometimes ripped open by some of the memories I share with you now.

Stuart* was different to other guys I’d met. Not instantly attracted to him physically, I was more intrigued by the fact he’d set up his own business at 17 and was at 23 running it successfully. Having come out of my traumatic relationship with Lee* – my first love – Stuart seemed like the exact opposite; had never touched a drug and was driven. After a few dates we embarked on the relationship that I hoped would heal my broken heart. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Don’t Let The Anxiety Win

As a sufferer of anxiety, one of the biggest things that plagues my mind is whether or not I am in the right place at the right time, making the right decisions. As I have previously written, my fears stem from things I can, rather than cannot control. In my mind, those things I have no control over, I can’t change anyway.

It’s the things that I have the power to change that really worry me; because it makes me responsible for how my life turns out.

This was very clearly demonstrated to me during my travels and by my fear of heights. When on a plane, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest that I am thousands of feet up in the air. I can look down at ant like cars and Lego houses quite easily without a second thought. However, whilst rock climbing in Vietnam, I literally became paralysed with the fear over having the power to throw myself off the side of the mountain at any given moment. If I was going to die, it was because of something I did, it would be my fault, and that kind of responsibility was just too much to bear.

This fear, albeit less intense than when rock climbing, follows me around every corner of my life, where anything less than perfection can make me feel like a failure.

What Is Your Reason For Living?

Have you ever asked yourself ‘What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?’ I don’t think I’ve met many people who haven’t at one point asked themselves this question in one form or another. Infuriatingly, the answer isn’t quite as simple (or confusing) as in The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy in which a super computer calculates the answer as being the number 42. It’s a question that has plagued me many times over, unsurprisingly in the more difficult periods of my life. It is also a question arising in many conversations with my friends over the last week or so, which inspired this post.

Alcoholism and Drug Abuse – Cannabis

I have written about my experience with alcoholism and alcohol in general, so now on to the 3rd part of my experience on this topic:

Drug Abuse – Cannabis

Being seriously anti-alcohol until l was 18, drugs of any kind weren’t even on my radar. Drugs were for homeless degenerates right? There would never be a time in my life in which I would come into contact with them. Or so I thought.

Alcoholism And Drug Abuse – Binge Drinking

I wrote earlier this week about my experience with alcoholism and how at the hands of an alcoholic my little sister and I watched our mother at the mercy of his violence. My view of alcohol was, understandably, very negative and when my class-mates all started underage drinking in town at 15, I stayed in watching movies. Then I turned 18 and started University…

Alcohol

I have always been terrified of strangers. Be it because of the bullying, or just my general shyness, there was never a time that meeting new people didn’t fill me with dread akin only to my fear of extreme heights!

I spent my first week at university in my room, alone, crying.

Alcoholism and Drug Abuse – Alcoholism

Each week I will be publishing a piece from the A-Z of my personal life experiences to show exactly what my knowledge on each of the topic I have listed is. This article will be split into three parts that cover different aspects of my experience.

Alcoholism

First off, I am not an alcoholic. My experience with alcoholism comes in the form of having witnessed a violent alcoholic take out his issues on my mother’s face and body. While this post isn’t about domestic abuse specifically, it is inextricably linked, because whilst there are devastating physical side-effects on a person with alcoholism, it is the lasting damage done to everyone who comes in contact with them that lives on.

The A-Z Of My Life Experiences

I wrote earlier this week about my intentions with the new section on my site. I’m starting to formulate the different parts that will populate the various pages, but to show you what to expect, here’s an A-Z list of my personal experiences, although it is worth noting that not all have happened to me directly! But you’ll realise that in the coming weeks as I start to public each story.

Alcoholism and Drug Abuse

• Alcoholism
• Binge Drinking
• Cannabis
• Ecstasy and Other Drugs

Bullying

• Not Fitting In And Peer Acceptance
• At School

Cutting and other forms of Self Harm

• Self-Harm And Destructive Patterns

Depression

• Letting Go Of Anger – Vlog

Eating Disorders

Fear of Failure

• Can Ignoring How You Feel Help You Achieve Your Long Term Goals?
• I’m Not Good Enough – Vlog

General Anxiety Disorder

• How To Take Back Control of your Emotions – Part 1
• How To Take Back Control of your Emotions – Part 2 
• Can Ignoring How You Feel Help You Achieve Your Long Term Goals?
• Don’t Let The Anxiety Win
• Anxious Shopper – 3 Minute Memoir
• Anxious Bride – 3 Minute Memoir

Health and Nutrition

• Nature Therapy
• Smoothie Recipes

Intrusive/Obsessive Thoughts and Rumination

• Self-Harm And Destructive Patterns
• How To Get Rid Of Intrusive or Obsessive Thoughts
• How To Stop Others Disturbing You Inner Peace – 3 Minute Memoir

Job Dissatisfaction

• I Lost My Job! Now What? – Vlog
• Do Women Have To Work Harder Than Men?
• How Important Is Money Really?
• The Matrix Is Real – Are You Ready To Be Unplugged?

Knowing Yourself

• Do You Take Things Personally?
• Do You Know What Will Make You Happy?
• Are You Smarter Than You Were Ten Years Ago?
• Do You Discard Your Own Needs In Order To Please Others?
• Love Yourself

Loss of Family and Friends

• The Death Of My Father

Mood Swings

• Seasonally Affective Disorder (SAD)
• Holiday Blues

Nervous Breakdowns

• How I nearly Lost My Mum
• Do You Give Yourself Time To Recover Emotionally?

Overdosing and Suicidal Tendencies

• My Suicide Attempt – Vlog

Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) Quietening the Mind

• How To Take Back Control of your Emotions – Part 1
• How To Take Back Control of your Emotions – Part 2 
• How To Stop Others Disturbing You Inner Peace – 3 Minute Memoir

Relationships and Love

• Are You With The Right Person?

Social Anxiety

• Social Anxiety – Vlog
• The Physical Effects Of Social Anxiety – 3 Minute Memoir

Therapy and Counselling Urges to engage in Harmful Behaviour, such as Dermatillomania/Excoriation Disorder Violence (Domestic) Working from Home

• Becoming Self-Employed. Where To Start? – Vlog
• How To Start Working From Home
• Motivation Meditation
• How To Restore Your Enthusiasm

XYZero – Couldn’t think of anything for these pesky three little letters. I attempted at being humorous (putting Zebra for Z) but then realised it wasn’t that funny. 🙂

Thank you for reading! xx

Happy Valentine’s Day!

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”

― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness